john jacob jingleheimer schmitt?

Well....we all know that John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmitt is a well known song about a man who has my name too. The thing most people don't know is that JJJS has, in fact, a deep dark past so unreal that whenever we go out, the people always shout.

John Jacob Jingleheimer wasn't always this mans name. In fact, at birth, JJJS was Tom Jones. A boring, average, run of the mill name had good old John Jacob, and this was not going to suffice. At the ripe age of eight Tom packed his little rucksack, tied it to a stick like they do in the movies, and left for the big city.
The city was noisy and frightened Tom. He swirled and whirled through traffic and nearly got hit by a runaway horse and buggy. Tom thought he would start his life someplace less intense, and a place where he was less likely to get run over. He retired to the town of Papaya, a fruity little town where little people bred their little children. This was the perfect place for Tom Jones. Or so he thought.
Tom was welcomed by the Papaya children, and was garnished with flowers and jewels when he arrived. All day Tom and the children of Papaya would play and dance around the maypole and eat scrumptious berries at mealtimes. Tom, a child of eight, loved the children and they loved him too. Unfortunately as time went on, Tom grew up, and the children seemed to stay the same. Tom grew a full beard and moustache, and a round little potbelly from eating so many berries. The children saw Tom as a creep more than a friend at this point, and proceeded to lock him up in the berry cellar.
Tom Jones cried and cried that the children no longer wanted to play with him, when he wanted to play with them ever so much. Tom concocted a plan. Sporting a broad rimmed hat and hooded robe, Tom invented himself a new identity that would surely get the kids attention. But his name! No one remembered an old man named Tom Jones! So he took an exacto knife and carved the letters JJJS into his forehead. John for little Johhny from up the lane, Jacob for Jake with the golden hair, Jingleheimer, because it sounded sweet and intimidating, and Schmitt, his mothers first name before her sex change. This would be perfect.
That night, JJJS sporting his new robe and hat, broke out of the berry cellar that held him and went to surprise the children. He couldn't wait for them to notice him. He found them doing the ceremonial dance of the Papaya around the campfire. While the music played, he hid in a bush. When the music stopped and silence spread, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmitt leapt from his hiding place and wrapped both his arms around Jacob, the golden haired wonder. When the little kids noticed his robe, hat, and bloody markings on his ghastly, hairy old man face. They screamed JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMITT! The children of Papaya ran over the hills never to return again. Jacob was unfortunately forced to live with JJJS for a breif period of time until he too escaped. John Jacob was so upset he had made the little boys name his name too, so no one would ever forget him.
Once the new little golden haired John Jacob escaped back to his family of Papaya children, he sang the song until tears flooded in his little eyes and his lungs gave in "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmitt! His name is my name too! Whenever we go out, the people always shout, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmitt! DA DA DA DA...da...da....daaaaa"